Sep
I use to be a Pastor, Now I Study Religion. How I Learned to Talk to Aggressive People
How I Learned to Talk to Aggressive People
Tips from a researcher who studies American religion
As someone who researches American religion, I find myself in impassioned conversations quite often. Religion is a beautiful element that creates a sense of purpose and belonging as well as a sense of guidance and explanation for the unexplainable pains of the human experience. Religion, at its core, is humanity’s way of making sense of the world and our place within it. But religion can also evoke a sense of tribalism.
When we engulf ourselves in a particular story of creation or a doctrine of right and wrong, it can be easy to deem all other stories as wrong or offensive. I’ve learned that the beauty of religion can often be overshadowed by the aggressiveness used to defend it.
As a researcher, I’m not interested in creating an attractive narrative around American religion, but instead shedding light on a historically accurate narrative around religion. And that often creates conflict between myself as a religious researcher, and American Christians, a religious community. But the religious community also offers valuable information and stories that I would be foolish to ignore. More often than not, in order to obtain unbias information, I have to hear from all sides, including the side of American Christianity.
I’ve to set aside my own aggression or defensiveness as well as approach aggressive and defensive people in order to have fruitful conversations that are beneficial for all parties involved. Over the last decade, here’s what I’ve learned about my own aggression as well as aggressive people.
Understanding the Source of the Aggression
1. Most aggressive people are that way for a reason.
Perhaps they were never heard as a kid or raised in an environment where yelling was a viable form of communication, or maybe they’re just stubborn. Additionally, when I’ve discussed hard-hitting questions with communities, those who grew up in more legalistic households are often the most aggressive when faced with alternative ways of living and thinking. I’ve learned that legalistic upbringings can create a sense of rigid thinking in adults.
When someone isn’t raised with the freedom to develop their own beliefs, it can be world-shattering to be presented with beliefs and practices that contradict the beliefs and practices someone grew up abiding by. The desperate need to preserve the world someone built as a child can come out as aggression
No matter what, this type of nurtured aggression can be challenging to address. If you find yourself readily on the defensive in most conversations, ask yourself where your anger is coming from. Are you angry or was anger the primary mode of communication growing up?
2. Aggression can be a manifestation of fear.
When I talk with communities regarding unpleasant parts of their history, the tendency is sometimes to become aggressive and defensive. Over the years I’ve heard phrases such as “Keep the past in the past” or “It’s not like that anymore” signifying resistance to even looking at the history of a community. The fear of looking into the past where uncertainty and unflattering discoveries lie can result in aggressive responses.
Aggression rooted in fear is not exclusive to religious conversations. When we call out someone’s past actions or address someone’s current poor behavior, fear of being reminded of the past or fear of consequences for said behavior can result in high-frequency aggression.
3. Aggression can mask self-consciousness.
The worst thing we can tell children is “That kid was mean to you because they’re jealous of you.” Because while it might be true, this phrase perpetuates the idea that aggression is a justified solution for low self-esteem. And we carry this mindset into adulthood. I’ve seen adults lose their cool over a small amount of discipline or begin yelling inappropriately in professional meetings out of sheer defensiveness in the face of correction.
Think about it this way. Let’s say you grew up playing baseball, but you were never really good. But your parents and your coaches consistently told you that you were one of the best baseball players they’ve ever seen. But as an adult, you play a baseball game with some friends. And your friends give you some corrections. You’ve never received correction in this area of your life where you’ve been revered as an expert. Your confidence as a baseball player has been shattered. You’re much more likely to respond with aggression and defensiveness than any of your other friends because your confidence as a baseball player depended on you being one of the best players they’ve ever seen. It’s a false sense of confidence created by a long-term lack of correction.
When someone is not used to being corrected or asked challenging questions, they can interpret it as a direct attack on their personhood, and this can result in what might seem like random aggression. But to them, it is not random, it is a personal attack. And it can feel overwhelming.
We might see this with those in executive positions, leaders who’ve surrounded themselves with “yes” people. These leaders may rarely be faced with opposing thoughts and therefore, could interpret such thoughts as an attack on themselves as individuals instead of an opportunity for growth.
How to Handle Conversations with Aggressive People
So how do we address aggressive people? There is no one solution, but there are a few key tactics I’ve found to be helpful in calming the frequency of a conversation.
1. Embrace humility
Meeting an aggressive person’s anger with sincere interest and zero effort to defend your views takes more humility than most of us are comfortable with, but will almost always guarantee that the other person will calm down. Ask questions you know they want to answer. Have them teach you something even if it has nothing to do with the conversations. As you ask them comfortable questions and allow them to educate you, you’ll build their self-esteem and make them feel safe and more likely to be vulnerable in the future.
2. Don’t match their energy
Your goal is not to match their energy, your goal is to throw them off guard so the conversation can go deeper. See how uncomfortable you can make them with your kindness and calmness. Don’t fight them, let them guide the conversation and teach you something (even if you disagree.)
Your calm reaction will let them know they don’t have to yell to get an audience. They will feel seen, heard, and understood, and at the end of the day, that’s all any of us want.
3. Do not engage in the fantasy
Aggressive people are often counting on you losing your cool. That way, they can engage in an aggressive conversation they’ve been waiting for and bring up points they’ve been rehearsing.
When they begin shouting or throwing their points at you, try saying something they are not expecting like ”That’s actually a fair point,” or “Can you talk more about that?”
Refusing to engage in the argument means the argument ceases to exist. We can let the person know we understand them without agreeing with or validating their behavior. When we refuse to engage with the fantasy of aggression and instead acknowledge their pain or perspective and give it a valid hearing, it suddenly creates a new reality where they feel heard and the need for aggression often subsides.
Ideally, conversations with highly aggressive people should be few and far between as they can be very taxing and uncomfortable. So be sure to exit the conversation politely as soon as it feels right. And know you made someone feel valued.
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I use to be a Pastor, Now I Study Religion.
How I Learned to Talk to Aggressive People was originally published in Better Humans on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
